Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) see related

Seems like I lost all my fucking readers.

That's pretty much depressing.

Damn.

Well...I feel like I'm in hell.

Which would probably make more sense if I actually believe in hell..but nevertheless.

But right now, I'm just so..sick of being me.

I'll paste here what I said to Sarah when she kept asking me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her, because I didn't want to be more of a burden that she had to carry. But..these are the words that described my turmoil:

-I fucking hate myself ok. I make myself sick. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm a fucking failure and nothing I ever do is right. I tell myself all the time that I'm going to keep myself from being a fucking pathetic piece of shit that just blows off important stuff, but i never follow through. I'm sick of myself. I hate everything I am. I have failed so miserably at trying to keep my life together. I'm never going to amount to a fucking piece of shit in this world because I have just given up on school and I'm too fucking stupid to motivate myself to do better. I just keep failing at everything and fucking pushing it out of my mind and trying not to think about it..until i lay down and try to sleep, when i start to panic and get anxiety attacks because I don't know what the hell im going to do about anything. And at those moments, I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up so I wouldnt have to spend another day with myself.-

Sad, right? God, what the hell am I going to do with myself.

Bah. Anyway. I had an absolutely amazing weekend...because I got to spend it with Sarah. Things are always so perfect whenever I'm with her..but when she's not around, reality hits me hard.

Graci came home with me from school on Friday and we hung around until about 3:45. We had decided that we wanted to go meet Sarah at the metro and go to Dupont Circle. (For those of you who don't know, it's the 'gay spot' of DC).

We met up with her and got on the metro. I was so spazzy and hyper..it was insane. I was like bouncing all over the train and talking all loud and laughing hysterically. I know it was because Sarah was there..she gives me this..energy.

We got to Dupont and went to the Gay bookstore and blah blah blah. Graci decided she wanted food, so we went into this other bookstore that had a restaurant in the back. We got seated and got water and everything...but then decided we didn't want to be there anymore, so we got up and left lol. I thought that was funny. We ended up going to Subway and Gracious ate a sub.

We got back on the train and Graci's brother picked us up at the station. We went back to Graci's to hang out for a while.

My mom came and picked me and Sarah up at like 10:30 or so and we went back to my house.

On Saturday, Sarah and I were bums until like 4..when we decided that we wanted to do something. Of course, that decision was followed by like a half an hour back and forth indecisive conversation about who was going to decide what we were going to do lol.

We decided we were starving and wanted burgers..and that we wanted to see Memoirs of a Geisha. We got my mom to drive us to Kingstowne and she dropped us off at Uno's. We got burgers and fries and it was amazingly good and I was happy. (About the food and the fact that I got to buy Sarah dinner so..hahahaha lol. We always have an issue about not wanting the other to pay for us..)

After we ate, we made our way over to the Kingstowne theater. It's the new theater, and I'd never been before. It was nice, but not amazing like the one at Tyson's lol.

Anyways, we went in and saw our movie. I really did like it, I thought it was good, just a little long. Lol, when there was like 10 minutes left of the movie or something, Sarah and I started making up our own dialogue to go along with the movie...involving the snow cone that the girl ate when she was little. We were laughing so loud and so hard, I was crying. It was great.

Gah, I love being with that girl..

Anyways, after our movie my dad came and picked us up and we went back to my house. Sarah stayed with me again, which was perfectly fine by me...gah, if it were up to me, I'd never let her go home.

On Sunday, she ended up having to go home at about 3:30. While me and my dad took her to the metro, her grandmother called my cell phone, which I had left at home on my bed. She left hateful sounding voicemails that scared me lol. "SAVANNAH, EXCUSE ME, BUT I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D PICK UP THE PHONE!!! I NEED TO TALK TO SARAH RIGHT NOW! I EXPECT A CALL BACK IMMEDIATELY!" Yeah, I was really scared heh.

Gah..but things turned to shit when she left. I always have this empty feeling once the weekend ends and I'm not with her anymore. I miss her more than I can explain. It sounds really pathetic and..blah blah blah. But I don't care. It's what I feel.

I can't wait until I can spend every day with her.

Anyways..today was monday, and mondays suck. I was so blank for most of the day. And not just because I haven't really gotten sleep in like a week, though that did add to it, I'm sure.

I'm such a loser. I think all the time about how much shit I'm in at school, but I just keep convincing myself that it's too late to fix it, so I should just deal with it. But dealing with it scares me. I'm failing a lot of my classes. I'm so behind and don't know what is going on. I can't motivate myself to pay attention. I just..give up when I don't know what's going on.

I'm scared...because this is exactly how it all started...back in 8th grade..exactly.

Sigh. I just don't know what to do about myself.

I'll end this pathetic piece of shit rambling now.

I miss Sarah. I love her more than life.

fin.

Savannah\m/

Wow..my comment section is mighty lonely.

::walks away, head hanging::

Currently Listening Music for a Slaughtering Tribe By :wumpscut: see related

So...today was pretty much just a piece of shit.

I'm so off. I don't feel right.

Meh.

Anyways. Had Spanish this morning. Didn't bother doing the homework last night. Yeah..I'm pretty much blowing off my life. I just can't find it in myself to care to do anything for school. Sigh..this reminds me of how it started..my dark years.

For those of you who don't know, I refer to grades 8 through 10 as my dark years. My period of serious depression and several suicide attempts that I rarely mention to anyone because the pain is great.

I'm afraid to fall again.

Bah. Well..I just kind of spaced out all through Spanish. Thought about things. It went by really slow. I have no one to talk to in that class anymore..Paul moved himself to the other side of the room to sit with these two guys.

Gracious hasn't been to school in two days and I miss her. I need her. (Gracious=Grace..my best friend..who just happens to be as much of a lesbian as I am..crazy.)

I love Psychology. It's so easy to pay attention in there because I'm interested about everything that Embrey talks about. Not to mention that he's a complete goofball and just puts on a show for us while he teaches. I love it so much. Took a test today that I'm sure I aced. Psychology is the only class I do anything for anymore. I can't wait to study it in college.

Oh wait, I'm a fucked up loser and haven't applied to college. Right.

God, I hope that it just works out...that I can go to NOVA for a couple of years and then get into a good school after that...and be a psych major. I want that so badly..but it's too late for me to save my highschool career. NOVA is my only hope at this point.

Lunch is dull without Gracious. I sit with Ariel, Kelly and Jillian who are crazy and fun as hell...but I feel empty when Graci isn't there.

I just kind of sat and half-heartedly took notes for Government.

I can't remember if I already told ya'll this or not, but when I dropped out of AP Calc I signed up to be a TA (Teacher's Assistant) for Mrs. Wolter, an English teacher who also teaches the best class ever, Film Study..which i took last year. I TA 5th period, which is her Film Study class...so it's a breeze. Matt Griel is the other TA and we just kind of sit there and watch the movies along with the class, unless Wolter has us grade papers or alphabetize shit...but it's easy, and Wolter is awesome. Today, she kept us after class for like 15 minutes to give us Starbucks gift cards for being aweome TAs and have a conversation with us. It was awesome. She kicks so much ass.

So I was late to Government. Didn't miss much. Tried to sleep during that class, but couldn't. I haven't gotten sleep in so long. For like the last 45 minutes of class, we had to get in groups and make a poster illustrating the process in which a bill becomes a law. Thomas and Sean are the guys I talk to in that class. Most of the girls are preppy whores and I hate them. So Thomas and Sean were my group, and we spent like 5 minutes doing the project and making this piece of bullshit that sucked, but had the right information on it. The rest of the time we just messed around, which caused a lot of noise that I'm surprised Gallagher didn't yell at us for..even though he's an awesome teacher. Yeah..Sean kept flirting with me. It's funny lol. I'm not sure if he knows I'm a lesbian or not..but I don't go around telling people when I meet them you know, I just don't deny it. I don't care if he knows, I just never told him. But it's not like it's not very obvious..me and my backpack sport rainbows like crazy. But I just wonder..lol I'm going to tell him next class and see what he does. Poor guy..can't have me. Wow..that sounded conceited. But he's the one that flirted with me.

So, that was the end of school and now I'm here. I have 5 chapters in a book for AP Lit I'm supposed to read.."Their Eyes Were Watching God". Think I could get away with protesting being forced to read a book with a personally offensive title?

Doubt it.

Leave me some love, ya'll. I'm feeling down, I need some attention.

I miss Sarah. But tomorrow is Friday..so that means I get to see her.

Thank the devil.

fin.

Savannah \m/

Not sure if anyone is reading this or not lol..

But my xanga kind of sucks right now, it got all screwed up and now I have to sort of re-do it once I find the time.

It'll be better, i promise.

Way to make me feel loved guys.

Wow..who the hell am I talking to anyway?